Higher Than Me

As a parent, it can be the scariest thing when our child’s behaviour is out of control. Our home turns into a battlefield. Techniques that work for other people don’t seem to do anything for us (not that it stops others from trying to tell us about them). We might pull back from social activities and events because we already know how it’s all going to end… which leaves us feeling even more isolated and discouraged.

Added to the mix, there’s normally a big helping of guilt. We blame ourselves for all the things we think we have done that caused our child to behave like this. We haven’t got a clue what’s going on or how to get out of it, but one thing we know for sure… somehow, it’s all our fault!

The other scary part of dealing with a child’s challenging behaviour is the lack of real, practical help that there often is.

Although there are many skilled child therapists and proven tools for helping children with emotional struggles, the reality is that most parents don’t know where to look for the help they need. And the family doctors and teachers they turn to often don’t know themselves.

Too often, the only response parents get are a diagnosis for their child and a prescription for drugs.

Medication sometimes does have a role to play in kids’ behavioural and emotional struggles, but I don’t believe that it should be either the first or the only response.

So, what can parents do to help a child deal with behavioural difficulties aside from (or maybe in conjunction with) drugs? Here are five things that parents can do at home that don’t cost anything at all…

1) Look for what’s going on behind the behaviour

When a child’s behaviour is very disruptive, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that the behaviour itself is the problem. If only I could get my child to control their behaviour, everything would be OK.

But this is nearly never the case.

Ninety-nine per cent of the time, a child’s challenging behaviour is a symptom of a deeper problem. If we want to address the behaviour, we stand a much better chance if we try to figure out what’s causing the child to behave in this way.

At this stage, we will probably need to be like detectives keeping an open mind and examining every possible lead because no two children are the same.

Figuring out why a child is behaving in a disruptive way is like trying to work out why I have an itch on my elbow. My itch could be caused by anything from an insect bite, eczema, a skin allergy or maybe I just brushed up against something that tickled me. In the same way, behavioural difficulties in children could be the result of many different things, including a developmental delay or learning disability, trauma, anxiety, difficulties with concentration and impulse control, conflict or inconsistent discipline at home.

This is one of the problems I have with psychiatric diagnoses. Although they can be useful in getting a child the help they need, sometimes they are overly concerned with symptoms and don’t get to the heart of what’s really going on.

A child presenting at a doctor’s office with poor concentration and hyperactivity could easily be diagnosed with ADHD and put on a stimulant medication like Ritalin. This could be exactly what the child needs. But another child presenting with exactly the same symptoms might not have ADHD at all, but rather be suffering from trauma after witnessing domestic violence between their parents at home. Stimulant medication is not what this child needs, and an ADHD diagnosis could end up being a distraction rather than a help.

So, where do parents start if they want to understand what’s really going on for their child?

I would say it starts with listening really carefully and trying to tune into how your child is feeling. Very often, kids actually want to tell us what’s bothering them, but for one reason or another, they don’t feel like they can. Maybe they feel like we’re too busy or preoccupied to listen. Maybe they think we’ll be angry. Maybe they feel embarrassed or ashamed. Maybe they simply can’t put into words how they’re feeling, so they communicate their distress through their behaviour.

When we simply show our children that we love them, we’re available and we want to listen, we may be surprised by the deep feelings and experiences that they begin to share with us.

Other questions to ask ourselves as we try to understand what’s going on might be:

• Does my child have any developmental or learning delays? For example, how is their speech and language compared to other children their age?
• Is there something worrying or distressing my child at the moment? Think about what’s going on at home, school, and other settings.
• Has my child been through something traumatic? Events that may not seem traumatic to you could still be traumatic for a child.
• How are the relationships within the family, including sibling relationships?
• Is our approach to discipline clear, consistent and not unnecessarily harsh?
• Could my child be unwell or in pain?

There are many more questions you could ask. But actually, the most important thing is just caring enough to want to find out what’s going on for your child. Even just this simple act will break you out of the downward spiral that you might feel like you’re trapped in: your child misbehaves, you get angry and punish them, then they misbehave even more.

By seeking to understand your child, you will move beyond conflict and blame towards empathy and compassion. Your child will feel the shift, and this in itself may go a long way towards reducing oppositional behaviour.

2) Try to understand your own feelings and reactions

This point is connected to the first one, but actually takes things a step further.

It’s important to try to understand what’s going on for your child, but it’s no less important to try to understand what’s going on within yourself.

Psychologists call this mentalization. It is about being aware of your own moods, feelings, and motivations, as well as those of the other person, and understanding the effect that you both have upon each other.

Research shows that when parents are emotionally attuned both to themselves and to their children, their children tend to be more securely attached and demonstrate less disruptive behaviour.

Have you wondered why exactly the same event may trigger totally different reactions in you on different days?

Let’s imagine, for example, that your son spills his glass of milk at breakfast on two different occasions. One time, it doesn’t bother you at all. You calmly wipe up the spillage and reassure him that no harm is done. But the other time it happens, you feel immense frustration and, before you are even able to stop and think, you shout at your son for being so clumsy.

Your child did exactly the same thing both times, so what’s different?

The difference is what’s happening inside you, the mood you’re in, your level of stress, the events that are going on in your life. Maybe you’re running late this morning and feel stressed. Maybe you have a conflict at work or in your marriage that’s disturbing you. Maybe you have a headache.

The fact is that the things we see as “bad behaviour” in our child may differ from one day to the next according to our own mental state. Sometimes exactly the same behaviour can even look different depending on which of our children is doing it. For example, if we have a child with a developmental delay who triggers feelings of confusion and anxiety in us, we may respond more harshly to their negative behaviour than we would to their sibling who we generally have a less complicated relationship with.

Just being aware of these emotional responses is a big step towards addressing our reactions and responses.

3) Be consistent and humane in your discipline

All children need clear boundaries and a solid understanding of which behaviours are acceptable and which are not. Inconsistency or a lack of clarity in these areas can lead to anxiety and behavioural problems in children.

For example, we can’t praise a child for their independence one morning when they choose to make their own breakfast, but then rebuke them for trying to make breakfast the next morning when they accidentally break a bowl.

Consistency in which behaviours we see as acceptable or not is very important. But in terms of how we respond to negative behaviour, flexibility is also needed.

There is a huge difference between how we respond to a child who knowingly and intentionally chooses to misbehave, and one who misbehaves because they don’t have the maturity or the emotional capacity to control their behaviour.

The way you respond to misbehaviour in a young child is very different from how you respond to misbehaviour in an older child. The way you respond to a typically developing child is different from how you respond to a child with developmental delays. The way you respond to a child in the morning when they’re feeling calm and regulated is different from how you respond to the same child at the end of a long day or when they’ve just been through a stressful event.

As a general rule, whenever you’re choosing how to respond to a child’s misbehaviour, you should first ask yourself whether the child understands that what they’re doing is wrong, and if so, whether they are in control of their behaviour. Where time-out or removal of privileges can be effective strategies for children who are knowingly choosing to misbehave, they can make the problem worse for a child who is not in control of their behaviour and they may lead to a greater sense of shame and distress.

Children who don’t understand what they’re doing or who are not in control of their behaviour need containment and help calming down. Once they’re calm, we can help them process and understand what happened in a way that is appropriate to their age and ability.

Even children who intentionally and knowingly choose to misbehave should not be disciplined too harshly. We can assert boundaries and put consequences in place without humiliating or hurting the child. Harsh discipline is rarely effective. Even if it temporarily curbs negative behaviour, in the long run it often leads to buried feelings of anger and resentment, which can damage our relationship with our child and shut down communication.

When our child is going through a period of challenging behaviour, it’s also important to be very intentional about looking for the positives. Pick out and comment on the times that your child does something thoughtful or kind or funny or creative. Try to create opportunities for fun and positive experiences so that your relationship with your child doesn’t become just about discipline and punishment.

4) Use sensory and creative activities to help children process and release emotions

Very often, when a child’s inner world is exploding out into disruptive behaviour, they don’t understand on a cognitive level what’s happening. Often, these children feel confused and afraid.

It can be a real paradigm shift when parents and caregivers learn how to help their child process and release feelings that they may not understand or have the words to express verbally. Sensory and creative activities are great ways of achieving this.

There’s no end of possible activities that can be used therapeutically. Here are just a few ideas:

• Massage: Massage can be a powerful tool for helping children relax and connect with their own bodies and emotions. It can also help with the sense of connection and intimacy between parent and child. Not every child is comfortable with massage, so it is important for parents to ask their child first, and also to find out where they would like a massage. Foot, head or even hand massage can be more comfortable for some children than body massage.
• High-energy physical activities: Activities like running, jumping, climbing, trampolining and cycling can be great ways for kids to release stress and anxiety. If you’re at home, you can get your child doing press-ups, sit-ups, star jumps and other exercises. You can even join your child and turn it into a game by rolling a dice or picking out cards to determine which type of exercise and how many times. Physical games, especially silly ones that involve a lot of laughter, can be very effective ways of relieving tension and strengthening relationships within the family.
• Quiet, focused activities: Activities like Lego, beading and many structured arts and crafts activities can be calming and containing for children. It’s important to pay attention to the level of complexity. If a child finds the task too difficult, they may become frustrated and more agitated. Tasks that are perceived to be too easy or childish may fail to engage them.
• Sensory, tactile activities: Young children (and sometimes older children too!) can find “messy play” a good way to release stress and get regulated again. This includes playdough, slime, drawing with shaving foam, hand paints and more. Just like with every other activity, you need to think about the needs and preferences of the individual child. Some children get disturbed by “messy play” and find it stressful rather than soothing.
• Painting and drawing: Art is a fantastic way to express and process feelings that are difficult to put into words. The goal isn’t to produce a beautiful end-product, but rather to engage with the process. Artwork can also be a springboard for conversation. When children enter into a creative flow, they will often begin to share feelings and experiences that they are dealing with. Parents can also gently ask questions or make observations about the piece of art: “Who is the person in the picture?” “Why is this person standing apart from the others?” “Wow, those colours look very dark… how do they make you feel?”
• Dance and movement: It’s a known fact that we store emotions not just in our minds but also in our bodies. We can access and release feelings of stress, anxiety, sadness, anger, and even traumatic memories through dance and movement. Just like therapeutic art, therapeutic dance and movement is not about executing a polished performance. It’s about connecting with and experiencing our own bodies. Some children enjoy free dance, and all we need to do is to start the music. Others may feel more inhibited and find structured movement sequences more comfortable. There are plenty of free kids’ dance and movement videos on YouTube.

Of course, therapeutic activities have to be chosen and modified according to the needs of the individual child. Techniques that help one child may not work for another. The same child may even find different activities helpful at different times depending on their mood, energy, stress levels and many more things.

But if you’re willing to put in a bit of trial and error to find what works for your child, it’s well worth the effort.

5) Encourage your child to express their feelings through stories and symbolic play

Play is the language of young children. It’s the way they go about the work of organising and making sense of their world. The sorts of stories and themes that children act out in their play can tell us a lot about what they’re thinking and feeling.

Symbolic play is a type of pretend or imaginary play where toys and objects are used to represent something other than what they really are. A block of wood could be a telephone or a car. A piece of tissue could be a bandage. A Lego man could be a policeman or a bus driver.

Experts agree that symbolic play is a critical part of healthy child development. It helps strengthen children’s creative and abstract thinking abilities, as well as their problem-solving skills. It also gives them a means to process emotions and life events.

When we come alongside our child in their symbolic play, allowing them to direct the story, we enter into a meaningful shared space. We communicate that we are available to listen and want to be part of their world, without trying to impose our own agenda.

The themes that children bring into their symbolic play often reflect the concerns that they have in their real lives. These can be metaphorical rather than literal. A child who regularly feels frustrated because they are not able to communicate their needs in a way that other people understand may play out endless stories with traffic jams, blockages, and thwarted plans.

When we’re playing with a child, we can mirror back these feelings to them so that they can start to make sense of their real-life emotions. “Wow, another traffic jam! If I were that driver, I would feel so frustrated that I just can’t seem to get to where I need to go!” This can be an extremely powerful way of helping a child feel that they are seen, heard, and understood even without us directly talking about their own situation at all.

At the right time, we can also gently encourage our child to find creative solutions to the problem. It’s important that we don’t impose our own ideas, which could end up disempowering the child, but we can drop some suggestions into the game that they can pick up and run with. “I wonder who’s going to help that man get to the hospital after his accident?” “Is there anyone around who can help put out the fire?”

As children learn how to see different possibilities and solutions in their symbolic play, they will grow in their confidence to look for solutions to problems in their real lives and reframe areas where they feel blocked.

Older children who have moved beyond the stage of symbolic play may feel more comfortable engaging with storytelling. Just like symbolic play, stories are powerful tools for processing feelings, developing creative thinking and problem-solving skills for people of all ages. In fact, a known technique that therapists often use with adults as well as children is to tell a short story (whether real or not) about somebody else who experienced a similar issue to the person they are counselling. When we talk about an issue belonging to another person, it doesn’t feel as intimate, shameful, or overwhelming as it does when we speak about our own problems. It’s easier to be objective and see solutions.

When you’re doing therapeutic storytelling with children, you can either make up your own story or invite your child to make one up. Or you can read an existing story or watch a film that covers relevant themes that you can discuss together.

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If you feel like you are stuck in a cycle of negative behaviour with your child, one of the most important things for you to know is that there are lots of positive actions that you can take. You are not trapped in a hopeless situation that you have no control over, held hostage by your child’s moods and behaviour. Nor are you totally dependent on drugs or professional services to relieve your family’s anguish, although both of these can have their place.

This article has just touched on a few of the tools that you can use to move into a place of deeper compassion and connection with your child. As you try out different approaches and start to reclaim an inner sense of control over your situation, the problems you are facing may begin to look less overwhelming and you may well experience a new release of creativity and hope.